TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, INCOME, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Income, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it will feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker obtain. That is the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most recent geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Certainly, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler both-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally known for ancient lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be remarkable. Large!" Trump declared by means of a leaked golf cart Zoom call, streamed within the putting eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Condition Bunker. "We have experienced lovely ceasefires in Syria. A few of the ideal. But now, we're setting up them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and completely out of put. Designed by Slovenian company Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A three-flooring Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • Plus a 9/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten several years for potable water. But Sure, positive, let's have Yet another place in which American men can have on robes and simply call it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. When past negotiations failed below the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is easier: supply Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This can be soft electric power," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a agreement along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."



Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming


Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Every unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a set for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of your Levant."



Satellite Photographs Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the hotel's landscaping types a large Trump head seen from space, a function remaining marketed as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as chin is… well, categorized.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits right after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to an area melon cart.


"It is really not simply ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Characteristics


Perhaps the strangest aspect in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made up of:




  • A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder vague disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian Bed room, entire with weather Manage established to "distant"




  • A Trump Tower Damascus museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I don't treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Area Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned 12-calendar year-old Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "In the event you Bomb It, They Will Appear"


The advertisement campaign, a short while ago leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Short-term. Luxurious is Eternally."


A different slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso outlets:


"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A current SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this will likely escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% claimed "in which's the closest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting consideration from Intercontinental traders, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who said he'll get three penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level can even include things like:




  • A Dollar Keep of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Place Determined by the Iraq War





Comment Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb write-up about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to wait to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"At last, a hotel exactly where my PTSD might have convert-down services."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Effect


U.S. officials fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Reports propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly supplied to create a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."



Last Views through the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


Within a closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It required gold. It needed a waterslide shaped similar to the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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